Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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