bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
