he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
