It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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