god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
