as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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