be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
