dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
