You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
