Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
