They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
