got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
