Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
