Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since