just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
