Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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