Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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