Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
