i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
