i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
