masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
