you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
