stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
