There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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