So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
