90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
