Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
