apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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