no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
