Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
