Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
