The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
