Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
