LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
