the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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