I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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