so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
