I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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