I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize