It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I am available for nakedness
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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