i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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