I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
