I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
