so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
