we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
