Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
