one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
