I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
