You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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