dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
