Even water is tasting like jack daniels
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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