they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
