Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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